Sunday, September 30, 2007
fully back
so i'm fully back - work is still crazy, rains like a motherfucker, i'm depressed and tired and wishing for a toke while getting nothing done, and phx works her ass off and finally gets depressed too - life officially sucks again - fucking wonderful. its just all bullshit - happiness is some abstract concept, almost within arms reach when fucked up on something, anything. fuck everything.
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3 comments:
you ever stop and think that maybe this dependence on substance is maybe the problem? you think youre only happy when youre high, but dude, youve got a great wife and kid another on the way,and enough to eat, a warm place to stay right? what the hell else do you want? all i see is if youre not happy now with all the blessing you have, the herb isnt going to help man.
dude - i think ur assuming things. i dont depend on any substances. i was depressed and the world seemed to be falling apart around me.
i'm not happy only when i'm high, and i'm not always happy when high, either, but it tends to be so, or at least my unhappiness is numbed. pot and alcohol do this for me. i'm also happy when i come home and Lily runs into my arms, when i can cuddle her, and play with her. i'm happy when phx and i get to relax and just chill. i'm happy when i see friends i havent seen for a while. i'm happy when i watch a good sci-fi movie. i'm happy when i have no worries troubling my mind. but it seems i get down easily when the weather is cloudy and rainy for extended periods of time - and unfortunately we get quite a bit of weather like that around here. i've been getting these downers since before i started indulging in any substances. but the substances seem to help. but i've also come to understand that even this helping can become a need, and a source of stress on its own.
it would seem like a good solution to move to a more sunny part of the world, but that would mean moving away from my parents and friends. i've done this before, and i found i wasnt as happy with it all as i thought i would be. maybe prozac? phx wont hear of it. apparently its got its own problems, just like any other "substance".
so... no clear solutions
man ive dealt with depression my whole life. it may sound hokey and new agey or whatever, my brother, but you have to just make up your mind, you have to literally decide to be happy. i wake up and feel myselkf sliding into the grey place, i just make a decision not to. i take a look at my kids and my wife or i turn on the news and watch ther bs going on in the world and i make myself see ive got it good. no one is trying to kill me today. im able to bust my ass at two jobs when so many are unemployed. my kids smile and frolic. theres not much else to this life in my opinion.
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