why does life have to be such a fucking hassle. the side jobs full of unforseen shit. the expectations others have of me that i just cant live up to, but try and get stressed the fuck out. the eternally filthy place we live in. while trivial shit like silly curtains are being taken care of. it really sucks to realise we're slobs. i hate it. and i cant even come home to a relaxing shower because the fucking water temperature wont stay put. the bath tub fucking green. the shower curtain sticky. i walk around all day in my filthy work clothes. cant make love like normal people because the mother in law is sleeping in our bedroom. and this post probably wont bring anything good, either.

weird dreams

its like id heard or read somewhere that a politician somewhere punches another in the nose at their assembly-thingy, so the other guy shoots him. somehow i knew that would be the sequence of events when i started seeing it in my dream, on some tv. a few dudes were arguing in front of the main speaker-dude's chair, and then one of them punched him in the nose. the dude got up shocked, started arguing some more and produced this big WWII German looking pistol, and started chasing the guy around with it. when he had him pinned against the wall, antonio banderas appeared, trying to dissuade the guy from shooting the other guy. but i didnt actually see the shooting - i think i looked away. boogie looks away from me when she's pissed off at me or when i'm too much in her face. that couldnt be a learned behaviour. she hasnt learned much yet. so then the dude starts running around, i guess looking for someone else to settle a score with. i thought the people behaved like schools of fish - peeling away to the left and right from the line of fire, moving like a homogenous, uniform mass. and then one older lady didnt move - so he approached her with the gun. and i forget what she said exactly, but it was something to the effect of "i'm with you - lets kill those sons of bitches."

kinda weird, like another dream i had recently about being at some surfing location, and they had this tour for people, where you got on this bus, and then the bus drove very fast on this road that went out into the sea, and then ended. i guess they had to time it somehow, because we went into the water, and for a while there it looked like we were gonna drown, the bus started filling with water, i started breathing deeply, but tried to hold off with taking and holding a huge breath until the last possible moment, then i'd try to swim up to a window, open it and go for the surface. but i still wondered if the bus would move around too much and disorient me. but then the bus started coming back up, and then the bus was surfing! and then this guy with a ford suv was passing us on top of the wave. and i was like "where the hell does he think he's going?" and then he started sinking, and i thought that it served him right for trying that with a car obviously not good for that. hehe - like a bus is more intended for that kinda thing :) but then when he was almost sunken, the wave started sinking faster, and then receding, and the son of a bitch in the suv never slowed down, he just kept on driving, never missing a beat! i guess he knew what he was doing :)
ok - off to work.

just had this half-baked idea that if the 'mind' might be divided into conscious and subconscious, then maybe the subconscious tends to learn from everything it experiences, whether it be reality, movies or imagination. this somehow ties into something i heard from an ex once - she was getting pretty down after her ex and her broke up, and a doctor she went to, gave her a bunch of small round red stickers and told her to stick them in places she looks at throughout her daily routine, and every time she sees one, he told her to think of something positive. the idea was to 'force' the mind into thinking positively, give her a positive mindset. it also ties into my observation of how the ideas we seem to just 'get', seem to just pop out of nowhere, already formed. but i think i've also noticed that sometimes the conscious 'guides' the direction of these ready-made ideas - like when i'm trying to think of a solution to something, and i get an idea, but after analysing it realise that it wouldnt work perfectly, but most of it seemed to make sense, and so i keep thinking 'in that direction'. or maybe whats happening is that after getting a 'half baked' idea, i keep the part that seems to work and now focus on the smaller problem of making the rest of it work..? think, think, think, thats all i do... :)